End of year: Truthful me.

Writing this entry had been the most challenging entry I've ever done. Writing about the truthful me, I am facing with my own insecurity and my insidious secret.

Honestly, 2013 had been a very challenging year for me. While taking shower this morning, I've been drafting my entry in my head what to write to conclude 2013. When I open my FB today, first thing I saw in my timeline is how people describe their 2013, and many of them said that they are so thankful and grateful for all the experience and the people they've met this year. I've decided to do a bit more in-depth analysis for how 2013 had been treating me. Here it goes..

1. Resolution for 2013

I did not get HD for all of my subject, my summer school earlier this year was really hectic because I was trying to juggle my time between studying two subject in 6 weeks and moving house, uni experience had been very challenging, TIBS was self-correcting and rebuking, walking with God was not easy, I don't have enough saving, I still doubt myself whenever I met new people, I am not sure what soft-skills I acquire this year, and I am not sure if I've speak louder enough. Nevertheless, I am glad that all my ten resolution for 2013 was not an impossible mission. I am grateful enough to conclude 2013 with all my resolution list being ticked-off. I did not get the highest and the most, but I did my best. And I think, that is all that matters. 

2. To love

I wrote this second entry early this year saying that I would like to allow myself to love me more, love others more and to love God more. I'd never thought that this will be a bitter sweet journey, full of surprises. Not only I realised that I could love myself, others and God more, but I must. Not just because I should because God says so, but it is a lifetime commitment. This realisation brings me to another level of my life that had changed my perspective this year. That is, I should be honest and truthful to myself.

Truthful me.

I did not have a measurement for how much I grow this year as a person. But I was aware that I am changing. Being 22, I realised that I am getting older. I was scared. Scared of being adult. Because I realised that as I grow older, I am aware of my responsibility over my own life. I was aware that experience can influence how I think, how I act and how I speak. This experience was shaped by the place, the people and everything around me. I realised that I was in dire need of God, I also realised how important it is to be deeply rooted in His word, and how important it is to live my life under God's rule when I declare Him as my King. Nevertheless, I was reminded about two things:

1. That I could cast all my fears to God. I took comfort in God's promises and sovereignty. PSALM 139

2. God is 100% in control of everything happen in my life, and I am 100% responsible for my action as well.

Student life had been very exciting journey. I thank God for the opportunity to study abroad. Indeed God has His own plan for His children. I can't thank Him enough. This year had been a roller-coaster journey for me, yet beautiful and life-changing.

Its almost two years now. Sometime I wonder if I am truly over with my feelings. I try my best to convince myself that I am alright and I've moved on. But sometime the past did catch up with my present. And when it did, I can't help myself from crying. If I didn't have any feelings for the person anymore, then why did it hurt that bad and that much? Missing that person can be so suffocating and heart wrenching. Sometime I wondered if I will be okay seeing him with other women. And I am sure that day will come. And I can't run away from it. If that's the case, then, I will cling to God tightly. I am praying the best for him. Surely, God know what's inside my heart.

Leading TIBS this year had been the most wonderful experience I've had in Adelaide. I am thankful to God for by His grace and love, He moved my heart and enable me to serve Him and to serve others so that I may not take any credit for that, but all glory to God. I am thankful for the teaching, rebuking, correcting and training for righteousness through the scripture to be thoroughly equipped for all the good works. And I am thankful for my brothers and sisters who had showed me the meaning of building up one another. With that I am especially thankful to God for Bernie, and Ally.

I remember one time I was conducting seminar discussion. I thought that I will never be able to do it. I have no experience, and I kept thinking that my English was so poor, I'd thought that the 20 people in the seminar room will get confused or will not understand what I am saying. I was so nervous, I think I could faint. Or even run for my life out from that room. But I am so thankful to God, for giving me strength and courage that day. The 2hours discussion was done, and my group got HD for that. I realised that day, that it was not so much about how good your English are, but how you deliver the content.  

I guess, end of year allow me to reflect things that happen in my life the whole year. But also enable me to think for my resolution for 2014. Future seems uncertain for me. But I am certain that God is in control. I will face another transition in my life next year. Soon, I am not a uni student anymore but I will keep learning for it is an ongoing process.

To conclude, 2013 allow me to appreciate every little things in life. When life gets tough, those little things can cheer me up. 

Almost end of the year!

Wishing everyone Merry Christmas 2013!

I hope it is not too late for a warm greetings for this season. I've been holding back myself from posting anything this month. With heavy heart, I did not go home this Christmas. I've canceled my flight back home last minute because of some matters that I need to make sure it is done before I go back for good next year.
Fingers crossed, I am going to graduate this coming April. Praying that everything will go smoothly. And may God's will be done.

This year was so different and strange for me. I'd never felt so out of place like this. Knowing that I am finishing my studies this year, I haven't prepared anything to get into the new stage in my life-working. I am unsure of this transition. I'd never give my self time to really think what I want to do when I go back home. Do I straight away do some job hunting, or do I take a break for a few months then make a move. But to be honest, I want to work as soon as I go back. I don't like idleness. I'd like to do something, get busy. It keeps me moving.

Nevertheless, this is my first time being alone in Adelaide. Away from family, with no friends at home. I felt a bit lonely and lost, not knowing what to do or to whom I should talk to. But I want to praise God, who's always there for me although sometime I cried talking to Him.

This Christmas remind me about God's unfailing and unconditional love. I've heard Christmas stories many times. But God put people around me to remind me that although I said I am a Christian, born in Christian family, accepting Christ is my personal decision. Indeed, I've taken the decision. But I kept thinking about others, who's still contemplating to accept Him or even those who might not even believing what God has done through His Son, Jesus Christ. My heart long to share this love that God had made it known to me with others.

Summer is not yet at its peak. January is approaching very-very soon. And Adelaide will once again reach its highest point for summer. I hope that I could go through the hot days, just like I could go through the cold days. Yet I am thankful enough for the different seasons I got to experience here in Adelaide.

I am posting again soon. To conclude my year 2013. And perhaps reviewing my 2013 resolution. And get ready for new hope and new goal for 2014.

Until then.

Trial Waitstaff cont..

Hi there, it was my second day being a trial staff. I was asked by my manager if I want to work tonight. But I said no. And now I am home. I am glad that I was home. But I wore the wrong shoes. My feet was blistered. And deep down, I regret not staying. Because I know I will learn more if I stayed for tonight.

I actually did much better than last time. I just got a bit lost with the table arrangements. Some table has no number on it and I have to think which table it is when I send out the food. I think the cook was a bit upset when I didn't deliver all the food as fast as possible. This is my first time working under pressure from someone else.

I did find myself enjoying cleaning the glasses though. Because it was more relaxing. But I can only do it if there is no table to be cleaned. So far what I do was to help serving the food, and clean the table. But from what I see what other staff do, they do the dessert, make coffee, make drinks etc.

To be honest, when I first started as trial staff, I went to youtube and mr.google to get some enlightenment on how to be a wait-staff. But to my surprise, there is actually nothing much. I guess it was because the demands and styles and knowledge varies from one restaurant to another. But there is some few tips that I could share what I learned so far.

Before (Interview)

1. Be there on time.

I got lost when I first came for interview and the manager was actually a bit baffled. I was late for almost an hour! But I did told them I get lost looking for the restaurant.

2. Wear something decent. At least presentable.

I just get back from doing my first job. I got to shower and put on clean clothes. But I look clean and fresh. So yeah. Try your best looking presentable.

During trial.

1. Wear all black.

This is what my manager said to me when I first came. She asked me to wear all black when I come for the trial. Black shirts (formal/non formal is fine-depends on the restaurant), black pants (you can wear skirts at knee length or wear black dress is fine!), black shoes (you might take some time to wisely choose your shoes that you going to wear- consider comfy at most as you will stand and walk for long hours)

2. Makeup and hairdo.

Is not really important. But, if you can make yourself looks professionals is a plus! Be presentable to your customer. Iron your shirts if you need. For girls, tie your hair (for long hair) or at least put some clips. Put some colours on your face. SMILE! Believe me. It was the most crucial makeup!

3. Be confident.

I was actually nervous for my first time. I guess that is how most people feel for the first time. But be confident in your own skin. Remember, this is not about you. This is about your customer that you are serving!

4. Be proactive.

Try to find ways on how you can help other server if you don't know what to do. Or ask your manager. Learn from them. Don't be shy to make mistakes. *I broke two glasses today* But keep moving. And don't just stand doing nothing. There must be something you can do.

5. Look look look. Remember the table number. Remember the food you are serving.

Once you get used to the table number, and the food you are serving, it will be easier for you to help serving the food. I was actually being shouted for being confused which table to serve the food first.

6. Learn how to read the docket.

I don't know how other restaurant takes order from the customer. But in my case, they use docket and they stick it up near the food windows.

7. Know the drinks.

I was responsible for making sure glasses are being washed and cold water being put inside the fridge. But I don't know most of the drinks are. Especially the wine etc. But I think it will be helpful if you know the drinks.

Over all, seeing what other waitstaff do their job today, I was amazed how fast and skillful they are. They look so relaxed and they know exactly what to do. Sometime I find myself standing in the middle, waiting the food ready to be served. I wish I didn't feel so out of place. I wanted so much to help and do my best. But maybe I was just new to all of this.

But I have to admit, I enjoy today. I would like to be better than today. And I hope, someday, I will not be so out of place anymore. And I could be like my new friend, Chris, Agnes, Pooi, Rudy and Rodriguez. =)

Until then.

Trial Waitstaff

Long story short, instead of going back home for Christmas this year, I stayed back and was having my most wonderful 'home alone' experience. I'd never thought being alone at home will be this depressing. You got no one to talk to. Last year was alright, because one of my housemate is staying back. So, I was not alone. But this year was different. 

Unemployed and currently broke, that is why I went to one of the most popular website that can help me finding a job. That is why I like Gumtree. He help me to find this job that I am currently on trial. As a waitress in L... restaurant in Glenelg Beach.

To be honest, I don't have any experience as a waitress, but I would like to try being one. Just for the sake of the experience. Well, as much as I want to convince my self that I wanted the experience more than anything, it seems like, money was the reason too. Yeap, I need it. But not after they really accept me as a waitstaff. I am a newbie. Inexperienced one. I am not even sure if it was worth to invest their time for me. But I am a fast learner. Although I feel like not doing it now, I was thinking to just have a go with it. At least once.

I got a piece of advise from the manager when I first came to the restaurant for trial. He said, 'Rosa, can I give you piece of advise? You should approach more. Be confident and brave. You have to do it. Go out there. Not just standing here and do nothing. If not, there is nothing we could help you, and you won't learn much.' Ouch! That was a really good advice for me. To be honest, I was not that brave. That is why, when I apply for this job, I was quite amazed where did I find the gut to even asked for the job?

It was 3 hours trial. I know I did't do very well. But I want to try more. I'm going again tomorrow. The busiest day of the week. Saturday. When most people go out to the beach. Oh, fingers-crossed. I don't know how it will be. I just hope that I will remember the table, and know how to read the docket and yeah, serve the food.

Until then.

Stop Worrying About Your Problems

I was sharing this article with my girlfriends in facebook. Really hits home. I should take time to stop, pray and act. Instead of doing it backward; act, stop and pray.

How To Stop Worrying About Your Problems

My add note: Sy baru ja habis exam. Tp sy susa hati sebap sy rsa mcm high probability failed. Unexpected exam questions. Sy x dpt tidur teingat2 mcmna blank nya sy time dlm exam hall. Sy mau betul grad and pass my exam. Teingat2 pesanan org tua yg mau sy berjaya. Sy low mood terus ni. Habis exam suda tp mo hepi2 pun rsa x senang. BUT tonight I came across with this article-someone share it. Really hit home. Especially for me. As human I admit that I worry+scared about things in my life. But at the same time was struggling to put my trust completely in God. Tonight I was reminded that I focus too much in the result. I forgot about the process that I should go through in life. A process that I often welcome and acknowledge-but easily forgotten. Indeed, God knows the best. And He is in control of everything.

post-exam

I praise God for sustaining me throughout my exam period. It was really-really hard to sleep because i can't help my self from thinking about my exams.

I feel sad. Firstly because I can feel that there is a high probability in failing my exams. UNEXPECTED exam questions! And I am terribly in a low mood now. Before, I was looking forward to start packing all my things to ship back to Sabah. But now, I'm not sure anymore. I feel like I don't want to pack. I want to get the result asap. So I can plan what to do next if worst case scenario happen. Either I have to extend a semester or to take summer school to finish my degree. Or maybe taking supplementary exams. But I'm really hoping now that I actually passed my exam! Oh God!

In the midst of all this things, I was reminded that I can put my trust to God whatever happen in the future. I acknowledge my worry, I don't want to deny that I am really worried and scared. But I have hope. And this hope helps me to keep going. I struggle with my worry + scared vs. faith. But now, I took comfort in the promises that God has stored for me in PSALM 139.

Therefore, tonight, I want to praise God for everything. I know He is in control. And I pray that whatever result I got, I will still put my full hope + trust in Him. And I'd still be alright with whatever result I got.

So maybe, despite being unsure of packing or not, I think I should start arranging my stuff, cleaning and do some productive activity. I'm going to do some sewing project. And things that I love. Because for now, I am free :)

I still have friends who are going to have their exam starting this Saturday. I pray that God will give me wisdom on how to care and be loving towards them. Hmm, I'm going to motivate them and be helpful for them in time like this.

So for now, I wish those who still have exams all the best! And for my friends who had fly back to Malaysia, safe journey and enjoy your holiday! =)

Day to be thankful..

So I’m officially 22 years old today 29 October 2013. You do the maths you’ll know when I was born. First and foremost, I want to thank God.

Second of all, I want to thank my parents and family. I thank mum and dad for I am loved, cherished and nurture to be a human being that I am today. Most importantly, I am thankful for the enduring pain mum giving birth to me (now that I’ve heard stories from many of my close friends about their experience), patience for enduring the pain that I may inflicted upon mum and dad as I grow up, due to my disobedient and rebellion against them both. For my siblings, I thank you for accepting me wholeheartedly for who I am as your sister =) Though I have lots of faults and imperfection, I do know you love me well.

Thirdly, I want to thank my friends and teachers and strangers-who taught me well along the way. I was challenged, and was confirmed about things. I learned and was shaped from my experience when I was with you all.

I want to thank God for the experience that I had and life that I was given. Thankful for the wisdom that He gave me, enabling me to see the way how He sees me and others, enables me to understand, empathy, respect, strength to care for and to love and be loved.

There will be more years to come. Years of lesson learning and nurturance, opportunity to share and to just live for His will. And if time has come for me to go, I pray that I will be ready and rejoice in my heart to go to see Him.

emotional breakdown..

i was having a emotional breakdown yesterday.. i mean few hours ago. I got so stressed because of the things that i should have done, hasn't finished yet-not yet complete. essay writing-feedback email etc. :'( I rest for an hour. I almost cried!

guilt had taken its toll. and laziness. and procrastination. = stressed

but i think it has to do with my terrible homesickness as well. last night i dreamed that i was back at home, driving car with my bro and sis. we were having a good time.

and i missed my parents so much.

but above all, my heart was troubled. because i wanted so much to pass all my exams, and i wanted so much to graduate. but i was afraid of failing. and was afraid if i had to repeat any subject. and i was terribly afraid! this expectation was so great i feel like i'm depressed.

Lord, I cast all my anxiety to you. Search my heart oh Lord, deliver me from this situation. Remind me that this is just temporary. That You are my greatest joy that none can take away from me. And most importantly, I am in a good hand. That You are always watching over me. And this trial, was never more than what I am able to face/handle. For I can do all things in You who strengthen me. Lord, I've nowhere to go other than You. I run to You. For You are my refuge and my Savior. Thank You Lord. I praise You forevermore. Amen.

pokoruol ginawo..

beberapa hari yg lepas, sy post di twitter sy.. 'oruol tomod2 ginawoku kokito lo isu2 hilo Malaysia. what can I do? Tuhan nopo lah koilo poingkuro lo pomogunan'

Ya..sedih juga la tebaca tu semua2 berita di facebook. Tapi perlu juga sy ingt2 yg tidak semua yg sy tebaca/nampak di fb tu boleh dipercayai 100% sebap media massa kan..lepas tu org yg post-according to their own interest or personal opinion. So, in getting right information with right understanding about a situation, I had to take consideration a lot of things. Such as, go read different resources. Tapi disebabkan sy ni tidak rajin bah mau buat data mining ditengah2 kesibukan kota 'aceceh' sy terpaksa tunda sy punya niat mau p buat research pasal isu2 yang terjadi di sana. Oleh itu, sampai hari ni, sy tidak buat apa2 kesimpulan or comments about things that's been happening in my beloved country.

Kuroyon podih la.. minggu ni, in TIBS, kami belajar pasal 'sin'. Tadi masa homegroup meeting, I was clear about few things in regards to sin.
1. Sin is not just breaking the law.
2. Sin is also personal and relational.
-personal: our relationship with God which affects every aspect of our life, in relation to others, God's creation and also to ourselves.

The scripture keep pointing that we all are sinners, no one righteous, not even one, all fall short of the glory of God. Because of sin, we are under the wrath of God, that the wages of sin is death! We are extremely in total depravity because of sin, that we are helplessly in dire need of a Savior. I praise God because of His great love to us, that He sent His only son Jesus Christ to save us, that whoever believe in Him will not perish but will have eternal life with Him.

So, is by doing good enough? In Psalm 54 says, even our righteous act is like a filthy rags. Kadang2 sy pernah juga tu terfikir, I'm good or at least doing less sin sebap sy buat baik, but this verse remind me yg even my good deeds is not perfect. I am a fallen human, therefore whatever I did, although looks good, it was actually tainted with sin!
But I thank God again and again, that through Him I see things in different dimension. That although knowing that I am sinners and whatever I did will never be enough to please Him, this even make me feel so grateful and thankful and I praise Him forevermore for it is all because of His grace. Not because what I do, but because what God has done for me. In Him, I am able to come before Him as I am, that the only reason that I could came before God, is because what Jesus had done for me :)

But nevertheless, the scripture also told me that everyone will be judged according to what they have done. Therefore, we still need to be stewards of everything that God had given us. We respond to Him by doing good for His glory-not to seek praises from others.

I praise God, for who He is. And knowing that He is sovereign above everything, now I am confident that whatever happens in Malaysia, I know that God is in control. That I should not be surprised of many unjust or unreasonable things that is happening around me. Because clearly, this fallen world is tainted by sin. Rejoice and keep loving and trusting God! :)

in dire need of housekeeping..

this blog really need some housekeeping and reconstruction.. i've been reading some of my old my post, which are my thoughts and my p.o.v and to be honest i am not proud of what i've wrote, and not even glad that i wrote it and post it knowing that somehow there is a high probability that people will read the things i've written in this blog.
nevertheless, i should warn any readers or anyone who stumble upon my blog, that whatever i wrote here, was never meant to harm others in any way. i just wrote down things that came across my mind as i wrote the post. in acknowledging that, i admit my humanly thoughts, often not perfect, often mirroring my attitude, my thoughts, and my character. and admitting this, what my hope is just that you will get to know me a little bit more than just my words on a page. =)
anyway, just for an updates, i'm done with the low mood@feeling2 things now. haha! its funny to read my old post, but i'm just trying to be honest with my feeling. i could say that writing down my thoughts is very therapeutic way to 'defragmant' my thoughts & my emotion. Glad that i'm over with it, now i just want to focus on my three critical weeks as my final exam is close approaching!

I thank God for the weekend that I had. I went to work yesterday and my boss had been really kind to offer me drinks and cheese cake. =) Glad that most of my to-do-list has been ticked off, i am confident in Him who strengthen me, that I could finish off the rest of the task tonight after church. Tomorrow is a new day, and I surrender everything in God's hand. :)

regret.

its been 4 days we didn't contact each other. And in that four days, i began to reason back my feelings, and my actions. and towards the fourth day, i realised that, the feeling was not real. it was just an emotion, short-term, when you were being excited of doing something. have you been into such situation?

i admit that the past few entry that i wrote was totally non-sense. and i was just excited with what was happening around me. but i forgot to think wayy forward, that now i actually regret what i've said, and what i've done. But, i know i should not regret a day in mylife, i guess i just have to learn again and again in the hard way, always not knowing if the decisions that i've made everyday in mylife was the right one.

the truth is, i am not ready yet. and i am actually afraid of being hurt. and that means, i am afraid to fall in love again. the impact of my so-called 'a moment of rupture' in my life few years ago, was really eating me inside and out. i became afraid of love, and commitment in relationship. somehow it affects the way i relate to others around me. i think i need to stop from being afraid, and to continue to walk the life of love.

with this, I called upon my LORD, my strength and my refuge. I know that the beginning of wisdom is by fearing the LORD, and thus I submitted under His wings. and I know God is LOVE, and there is nothing to be afraid of in LOVE. with this I prayed that the LOVE that God had given to us, will continue to be manifested in the way I relate with other people around me.

My final decision.

I know I've been abusing my blog for a very personal confession and ranting about my thoughts and feeling. But I just feel like saying my thoughts and feelings out loud here. This resounding silence is really suffocating.

I'm feeling down, tired, confused and somehow lost in my own complicated feelings. I should trust my better judgment. Sometimes feeling is just unreliable. Because it was inconsistent.

I finally decide not to go on with this kind of feeling. Maybe I was just over the moon when someone showed that he cared for me. Saya jak yang perasan tu mungkin. Haha! I was acting like a kid!!

I promised myself to give my heart to a person who deserve me. But most importantly, to the person who God wants me to be with. Someone who love and seek God in his life, living under God's rule and follow Jesus example as the head of the family who strive to seek God.

Maybe I was just caught up with my unstable emotion. Ya, semua hanyalah emosi semata-mata. I sounds pathetic. Haiyaa, I pity myself. LoL.

If someone read this, you definitely think i'm pathetic right now. Random ranting about my feeling. Aduii. But its okay. I'm human. And with my fallen humanity, I am not perfect. Although I am conscious about it, I can't help myself from saying it out loud here.

Okaylah..done with feeling-feeling nih. I should focus on my task. 3000words international economic history III. yeayy~ gambateh. due esok! in tute!

feeling much better

I guess, my feeling surpassed my better judgement. I finally confessed that I missed him. It feels good. But deep down in my heart, I am wondering if I made a mistake telling him that.

I should have self controlled. Not letting my guard down. But it was just too much to bear in silent.

Had a good chat. The situation is mutual. But we agreed to face the day ahead with enthusiasm. Actually, after I told him that I missed him, I had a second thought. What if saying such thing is not the right time, and not the right person?

Well, I know I have to face the music soon. Small voice in my head said he is not the one. And I should not start the love before the right time. And I have a feeling that this is not the right time.

But I did it anyway. :(

Indeed, women are complicated. Well at least me.

Lord, search my heart. And lead me to Your way. Not mine.

2nd day of feeling low

still feeling low~

:( hmphh... why did this feelings become so complicated. I wish I wasn't this sensitive. I wish I wasn't this weak. I thought I was stronger than before. But I was wayyy too wrong!

I'm trying to focus myself, but confessing here didn't help much. Atagak oku id kalangadan. Aishh

I think I was only being over-dramatic over the whole thing.

Lord, You know me better than I am. and I will wait for Your rescue.

complicated feeling.

Some men says, women are complicated. Although it hold some truth, it is not necessarily the case all the time. I had a confession to make. Today i feel a bit low. I am officially missing someone that I haven't actually met for ages!

I am now panicking, confused with my own feeling. How did it go this far? I don't like this feeling-feeling low because i'm missing someone. :(

Need to pull my self altogether back to position. It is a very critical time for me especially at this time of the year. 2 months left. And I'm going home. Please heart. Be patient. Enjoy your time here.

I'm praying hard this time. I don't want to do the same mistakes. Not this time. Why love is such a complicated feeling? Oh maybe this is not love. This is just me being over-reacted. Maybe it was just me. I shouldn't be playing with fire. Now I was caught up with it.

I am sure he didn't feel the same way I feel. Maybe it was just me? See I'm making a my own conclusion. Confused!

I want to run awayyyyy..but to whereee?? :(

Lord, this time I praised You. Lord, this time I am running towards You. Amen.

Malaysian Carnival 2011-Adelaide: Hornbill dance

Malaysian Carnival 2011-Adelaide : Tarian Inang

one-to-one first meeting :)

One-to-one meeting is one of the many great ways to encourage other people. This is my friend, Melania from Ambon, Indonesia. But she is Australian citizen now. This picture was taken for our first meeting this year. I am thankful to God and glad that she is keen to meet up with me.

The most encouraging things that I've got from one-to-one meeting is, it was easier to be open and to talk and share with your friend. We could discuss in a deeper level, about various things in relation to our faith and understanding of the bible, knowing that we could held each other accountable for whatever question or discussion we had. Whatever we said that day, at that place, will stay there.

Above all, I thank God for the friendship we had in Christ-enabling us to build up one another and to hold each other up through support and prayer.

Sunday post!

Sunday week one of uni! Hurray! That means a week had just passed in this semester. There are 12 more uni weeks to go 1 week swotvac and 2weeks of exams. Yeayy!! :)

Today I am going to 7pm Sunday service. So here I am at home, updating a new post in my blog. This morning I wake up late because I went sleep late at night last night. I'be been doing some new arrangement for my wardrobe, and my study area. Voila! It was done and I went straight to bed. But I woke up late today, and just now, I had my brunch.

I'm going to a friend's house this evening. Maybe around 4pm. To give their bicycle back. I've been using it during summer break just to entertain myself, cycling around my neighborhood.

Then will head off to church at 6pm. I'm going to join the English corner today. Just to try it once, and perhaps can bring new international people there. :)

That's it! Adios. :)

Short Hair

Hello mellow everyone!

This is overdue post and belated news. I've finally cut my hair short.

After going almost half a year having an internal debate whether I should cut my hair or not, finally I have a one concrete answer whether to cut or not. Although the long agony debate wasn't fruitful enough to be part of the discussion that I should find or at least get a concluding remark, I think cutting my hair short is one of my very independent decision I've ever made in my life.

I just realised that thinking too much will only drag the matter furthur and furthur without any concrete and final decision. We have to think sensibly and decide fast. I guess I am not really good at it. Maybe that is the reason why I might or could not succeed in business if I don't know how to decide within a short time frame.

Why independent? Coz I used to wait until I was satisfied with other people thoughts which haircut I should go for. But this one went so fast I even felt surprised that I can make an impromptu decision.

To shorten the story, I present to you my new look!

The beardy man..cont..

Continued...

One day I came late to Church. Because of most of the sitting was full, I sit down at the very back of the church. I never sit down there, although most of the time I wanted to. Because I like to imagine that I see everyone when I sit there.

Nonetheless, when the first song finishes, suddenly the back door which is the front door of the church flew open, and chill air from the outside of the church came rushing in. And the beardy man walk in! It was a bit unusual to see him coming late.

Nevertheless, he walk in and took the seat in front of where I sit. He sat at the end of the long chair near the walkway.

The second song was a hymn. And as usual, he sang enthusiastically with his hands high up on the air. And he sang with all his heart with his loud deep voice. I think he had a very good bass voice if he join the choir.

That night I realised that there is something behind his deep bass voice when he sang. Sounds..almost like longing and joy. It was nice actually to sit near him. The beardy man that I used to look from afar.

Later that night, after the Sunday service ends, he talk to the guy who sat beside him. He asked what the guy think about the sermon that night. Interesting enough, the topic of the sermon that night is about living in singleness or married. And my mind begun to wonder again, if he is single or married. I thought he was single, because I never seen any women coming to church with him. Or maybe he had a wife. But died. Or they divorce.

After many clueless assumption, I started to think less about him. I stop looking for him when I came to church. And because I started to meet many new friends, he had never bother my attention anymore.

But one day...

#To be continued...

Beardy man

There was a man, an old man that I saw at Church every Sunday. He usually sit at the first row near the altar on the right side.
My first impression when I saw him was, he is a poor old man. But very spiritual. His beardy face and long hair remind me of the men who I saw in the movie 'The Passion of Christ'. He usually came with a sensible shirts and pants. Looks old and dull due to over-washed or maybe because he wear them again and again. I thought he is poor and couldn't buy new clothes for himself.
He always came alone. Never seen him coming with anyone.

When its time to sing worship song, he will stood up with his hands high up on the air. Singing at his loudest, praising God with all his heart. Sometime people who sit behind him or on the next row glances at him. I'd thought some may feel abit uneasy when they saw him acting like that.

But there is something about him that I find very interesting. Or perhaps, intriguing. I often shoot glances at him from far away. Sometime, I look for him at his usual sitting just to make sure he is there. He become an encouragement for me to come to church.

Despite the odd glances that people gave him, he keep coming like none of it bothers him. I was reminded then that coming to church is not because of you are christian. But because you want to be in your father's house. And when you were there, whatever people think about you does not matter. Because meeting God is your goal. Not keeping up with people's expectation.

One day, I came late to church...

#To be continued..

Winter is here..

It is getting cold each day. And it starting to get brown everywhere, and trees with less leaves on it. But to some..new leaves is starting its new life.

I'll be having my exams in two days. But I still keep updating my blog. I guess having my blog in my phone makes it easier to update anytime.

For those who finished their exam..congratulation. I'll soon follow you as well. For some of my friends..they went back to hometown which is nice. Me, I'll just stay and will think a way to entertain myself during holiday.

Gravity

Sara Bareilles - Gravity



Its Thursday and I'm counting the days as my final exams is approaching. Winter is here. And it's getting cold each day. As Autumn goes by, now.. most of the leaves on the trees had fall. It was brown before, and now, it seems like all the trees are dying! But to no surprise, Adelaide is alive with its lush green trees everywhere. No wonder, my friend told me once that she likes winter in Adelaide because we can see lots of green trees and roses blooming in the garden. It is actually almost like Spring where the air is much fresher and flowers are starting to bud. I am hopeful that Spring this year will be as beautiful as last year.

Times do flies so fast. It's almost end of my fifth term here. And I began to realise how short is the time for me to be here. I wish I did more things when I was in my first and second year. And sometime I wish I had one more year here. But I always had a feeling that God had another plan for me. Although there are many times that I wish to know what's exactly God's plan for me in near future, I still love surprises. There is just something beautiful about expecting something that is unexpected.

Anyway, I keep playing this song over a week now. I guess I was in the mood of missing my home. I just don't know why.. everytime I listens to this song, it just remind me of my hometown far away in Ranau. I think I just missed being home. It has been a year now. I'd never imagine I could stay here for a year without going back home. But it was only 6months left, and I'll be back for good.

This song also remind me of a person that I used to care so much. Sometimes I wonder what happen to the person now. But the person was my past now. There are times that I wish I've lost some part of my memory about the person. Because until now, it's still hurt when it all coming back to me. But then, I will not stop hoping and praying that the pain will ease away as time goes by. After all, if I said I have accepted all the things that happen, and I've forgave and forget all that happen between us, then I shouldn't be so negative about it.

Smile and be happy! Move on! Actually I was kind of sick to hear this words. Maybe because it is true that I have to keep moving on and be positive about it. Perhaps the pain that I felt was too much that I didn't realised it makes me kind of scared to think a new possibility- what if I started to care a person again? At this time of my life, I think I am totally not in a position to consider anything.

But then, this shouldn't stop me to achieve bigger things in my life. I still have exams in few days time, and I still have one semester to go. :) So, I wish I could do my best for the rest of my uni term here. I'll be back soon, and I am so looking forward to it. There are so many people that I wanted to meet, and so many things that I wanted to do.

Until then, lets just enjoy this music. And if there is anything that comes to your mind while you listen to this song, feel free to write down your thoughts and share it with other readers. They might have something that they could relate to your story. :)

Hungry at night

I must confessed that I'm writing this in the middle of the night. But I am hungry and I feel like eating heavy meal right now.

Okay, maybe I could use my imagination to distract my hunger for a while. Let me post some food pictures before I go to sleep then.

I went to a Vietnamese restaurant last Sunday with my girlfriends. And in one of our TIBS on Friday, we've got Iranian friends who are so generous to us that they prepared dinner for us.

Below are the pictures that I took in both occassion.

Okay..now sleep tight! :)

Full moon..

On the way back from uni, I took this picture. I was too far away from the moon and the only camera I had is my mobile phone.

Not so clear. And not worth posting in my insta. But it is more wasted if I didn't post it somewhere. So I ended up posting it here.

I thank God for His wonderful creation. :)

Blog updated!

yeay..after years of thinking and calculating..haha! finally i updated all my blogs and put it one here. hopefully no more changes.

biarlah post yang lama2 tu..bnyak yg sy belum cek. banyak yg half way complete. biarlah jadi sejarah.

after analysing my thoughts and writing this past three years, sy sedar yg emosi sy nda consistent oh! haha..
meby sebab bnyak ups and downs kan.. tapi tiapa.. siok juga tu mo tgk hidup sy cmna..haha~

okay la..till then

"I will do better next time"

Ramble about student life, today I got my midterm result. Quite sad with the result I got. I did many careless mistakes. Most of them are the answer that I didn't trust enough is the right answer. The questions are a bit confusing and I've written down my answer, but did some last minute changes. I found that, the first answer is correct. :'(

True False   x

So, that is what I got. Wrong, coz the first answer is actually the correct answer. Did this ever happen to you?? I guess yes. Sad isn't it. huu~

To comfort my heart, I said to myself that "I will do better next time!" And I will.

Lesson: #Trust your instinct. 

            #Sometime, your first answer is always the correct answer.

missing my homeland

Resounding silence

This resounding silence is so loud, I had to express myself here tonight. I think my brain is about to explode. There are so many things comes to my mind right now. I wonder where is my stable life. I feel lost in this silence.

I talk, but why I feel like I didn't say anything,

There are so many voice, sound, loud and clear.. but silence seems to empower best in this situation.

I wondered where it went wrong? or at least me.

Maybe my motivation is wrong. But what is wrong with that?

God, once again.. I come before You..

I am a helpless human, a girl trying to be a women. Trying to stand on her own independence. But let me depend on You in my independence.

It is hard, this time.. I need a 180 degree turning to You. 

Let me remember the price You paid for me. 

I hope in the hope that You give. Let me hold on into it. 

I feel guilty

Today I had English presentation. I've come prepared and I am excited about it. Because this is the first time I prepared my presentation without writing my whole speech so that I could allow myself to speak more impromptu.

However, before the class start, there has been changes in the tutorial classes. Apparently one of the tutor couldn't come today because of urgent matters, so one of the class had to break into two groups and join us. 

I heard my friends said that the new room will be on Hughes building, 273. So, did two of my group mates. Because the lift is full, we went to level 2 by stairs..but then apparently we didn't find the room although we've wandered around again and again. It was strange because none of the crowd was there. The level is so empty and quiet. One of my friend finally suggested that we go to level 7 and check the room 723 instead. When we reached level 7, I saw my other group mate waiting for us anxiously. Yes, they told us the wrong room, or maybe we heard them wrong. So, we come in late for about 15mins. But fortunately, my tutor allows a random group to start first. So, instead of waiting for us, other group started the presentation.

We are the second last group to present. Because we start late, all of us had to speak in rush. Or at least, sum up everything within 5mins for each group. Analysing a speech using elements in close reading, and presenting our points within 5mins. When you had 4 members in a group, it seems impossible. This is the first time, I wasn't that nervous. I think I deliver my points direct and clear. HOWEVER, we wasn't finished yet..but my tutor had to stop us. Because of the time! Eventhough, all of us had spoken, there are still 2 elements we hasn't presented yet, which if we got time, will be presented by the 3rd and 1st speaker. And I was the second.

I feel so bad right now. Mostly because, I think I took most of time talking about my points. I have to admit, that I feel like I just speak in a short time, but fuhh~times flies so fast! I guess, it was because speaking is slower than reading? My notes is not that much..but maybe the elaboration took most of the time. And I feel so bad right now. Like, really bad. Although I am not actually sure if I speak that long..but I am really sorry if I was the reason why they couldn't continue to talk about their points. And surely, I will even feel so bad if we got low mark. But I hope for the best.

I write this because I feel bad. And I just want to write them down, as if to put down my guilt. Because as much as I feel bad, I don't want to feel any regret about it, because it happens and I couldn't turn back the time, or change anything about it. Sad, isn't it? But I do realised, there are far more greater guilt that people had experienced in their life. So, I know, I shouldn't whined about it. 

One thing that I've learned today, as I write this entry; you couldn't understand why people feel so bad about something because you wasn't in their shoes. Even if it was just a small matter, but who know's it matters a great deal to them. So, don't judge people as if they don't know how to be grateful if they complain or whined about something/ things that happened to them. Because, you didn't know exactly what happened, and the reason why they were acting that way. 

SpeaksLouder!

Look diff

I know this is random. But i just found this two pictures in my HD. I just realised..i don't really had many of my pictures taken during my sister's wedding. Just two of this?? Gosh..

Next time i'll get more..

SpeaksLouder!

My Landlord

My landlord is a Greek. He is a very good landlord. A father of three beautiful princess and a husband to a wonderful queen.

We've been his tenants for two years now. And this year will be the third. Thank God, for the opportunity to live in his property this past few years. Easy transaction..and he's been so helpful to us. I guess..that is his job. But to give such concern and attention when we need help.. I could tell that he is a good person.

We will have our major moving next week tuesday and wednesday. So, will be sleeping in the new house soon.

Btw it is hot today! 42°c no wonder!

!

SpeaksLouder!

Friday talk.

Last Friday, I had a meeting with one of the TIBS leader. We've arranged our meeting one and a half hour earlier before we start our usual bible study summer series. I know this conversation is coming..I did pray in advance if God wants me to be part of it..so that I'll have the courage to say yes..and able to accept with open heart and mind.

I am nervous about it. Of course everyone will. We had our dinner while we chat. And then..the big question finally comes in..and was laid out boldly in front of me. I know..this is a huge opportunity that might not comes often in my life. But most importantly..I know that..this is actually the feeling that I got..when I prayed for my new year resolution this year. So..I was actually having a mixed feeling. I was nervous but excited at the same time.

You see, I've seen myself changed over the years. Being away from my family, studying abroad has given me the chance to grow as a person. And the most exciting part that's been happening in mylife is acknowledging myself changing inside out.

This two years had been a reflection year for me. I learned a lot. I've changed, and I am renewed. I am so very thankful to God, for His love and grace for me.. I am able to come to know more and more about Jesus, and His word..the meaning of His cross and the opportunity to respond His love for me.

I understand if those who read couldn't make sense of what I was trying to say. Nor the people around me whether they know what has been happening to me..or even my family. But its okay. Sometimes they don't have to know..because at the end of the day..it doesn't matter. What matter is knowing that God sees me..and knows me more than anyone. And whatever happens, I could boast, in God who makes all things happen.

I had a good feeling this year. Most probably because I am confident in God, that He is holding my life and has a great plan ahead of me. It is a refreshing start..something that I almost forget I've felt it before. The day when I surrender my life to Jesus!

This year, I was asked to be part of the TIBS board. I will soon start my training as one of the leader for bible study. This is indeed a huge task. A task that I never imagine myself doing. I've never even considered my self to lead others..because most of the time..I was more to 'be part of' instead of 'to lead'. 

However..as I prayed on the new year.. I know that I really longed to be mature in Christ, to know Him more, to have a relationship with Him closer than before. And I believe, as a Christian, our faith grows in an increasing momentum. Although there will be up and down in life, it will always going up hills..bringing us to the next level. We might never actually realised it in life.. But when you reach to a certain stages in life..I am sure..you could see the position of your life..very loud and clear. When you comes to that stage in life..you have to make a decision. What is it that really matter in your life? What is it that you were trying hard to reach out for? In my case..I decided..to give my life to God, and to trust His plan for mylife.

It is a joy in mylife. To be reminded about His faithfulness. Although sometime I do feel like I didn't deserve such love..it makes me feel even more grateful, humbled and most of all..love God for who He is all the more!

I know.. I am a sinner. But God already forgive me. And He already paid ransom for my sins. I am free in Him. I am His precious child, He is my Father, my friend, my counselor, my King, my teacher, my Saviour and my God. And knowing this..almost makes me feel wanting to die to meet Him soon in His kingdom. But before the time comes.. I will trust Him my life.

P/s: TIBS- Trinity International Bible Study

SpeaksLouder!

Its a new day!

Second day of packing. We wake up early at 6am so that we could clean up the back room. Done at 7am. Having brekky till 8am. Rest 1 hour. Soon..start packing the 3rd room. O yeah...
Couldn't decide which room to take. But so far..i finally decided to stay with my current room-mates. I just hope that..we both could study peacefully, sleep tightly. :)
Was thinking to take the first room. But then..the 3rd room seems nice too. Ohh..wasn't sure which room. Hhu..
Anyway..i guess i should continue packing.. :) See u soon!!

SpeaksLouder!

Two plush on my bed..

Introducing my bed-mates. Been sharing my bed with them since October. Haven't got the chance to give them a name yet. Probably because I don't want to get too attached with things? Or maybe just because I haven't thought more seriously about it..
Anyway..on the right is from my 21st birthday gift..and on the right..bought it by myself plush toys. :) I really love those bright colours..really brightens up my bed! Really like them both. They're so soft and warm to cuddle at night. Will definitely bring them home to Sabah. :) can't wait...

SpeaksLouder!

Packing in progress! :)

Yeah..this is it! Although tired..but we are glad! I am going to miss this house! I've lived here for two years! :)

SpeaksLouder!

Moving house..

Hey ya'll.. yesterday my landlord came and gave us the key to our new house. I am so excited on getting the new keys..but thinking about moving all our stuff is not exciting at all. Most of my friends says that..moving is a nightmare for girls. I am not sure if that was a feminist point of view or stereotype comments..but I guess its true when you have lots of things. :)

Today, my housemate and I went to our new house at West St, not too far from our current house.We did some cleanings and mopping, trying to decide which room we should take. Since last two year, each of us got to share bedroom..I was thinking if I could got my own room this year. Since I was the only Christian in the house..I am thinking to have my own space this year. But..I haven't really decide since I have to ask my current roomate if she minds to share with the other housemate. 

I guess, moving house is a good thing. First, we got the chance to sort out things that we don't really needed. Its time to sort out things! :) Secondly, you could re-arrange your house or room with fresher looking. It will be a bonus if the new house is new and more modern looking. Although it was not the case with our new house, I am satisfied enough to move in since I know we are not going to live there forever, being comfortable and convenient is more important. :)

Soon, new juniors will come and stay in our house for a while. Before uni starts, we had to help them settle down and assist them to make sure they know how to survive their next few years in Adelaide. :) I promised my self to make sure I am hospitable as much as I could, since I was treated that way when I first came here in Adelaide. :) 

I would like to share pictures of our current house at Cowra Street, which soon will be sold..in memories.. Hanan..

SpeaksLouder!