Day to be thankful..

So I’m officially 22 years old today 29 October 2013. You do the maths you’ll know when I was born. First and foremost, I want to thank God.

Second of all, I want to thank my parents and family. I thank mum and dad for I am loved, cherished and nurture to be a human being that I am today. Most importantly, I am thankful for the enduring pain mum giving birth to me (now that I’ve heard stories from many of my close friends about their experience), patience for enduring the pain that I may inflicted upon mum and dad as I grow up, due to my disobedient and rebellion against them both. For my siblings, I thank you for accepting me wholeheartedly for who I am as your sister =) Though I have lots of faults and imperfection, I do know you love me well.

Thirdly, I want to thank my friends and teachers and strangers-who taught me well along the way. I was challenged, and was confirmed about things. I learned and was shaped from my experience when I was with you all.

I want to thank God for the experience that I had and life that I was given. Thankful for the wisdom that He gave me, enabling me to see the way how He sees me and others, enables me to understand, empathy, respect, strength to care for and to love and be loved.

There will be more years to come. Years of lesson learning and nurturance, opportunity to share and to just live for His will. And if time has come for me to go, I pray that I will be ready and rejoice in my heart to go to see Him.

emotional breakdown..

i was having a emotional breakdown yesterday.. i mean few hours ago. I got so stressed because of the things that i should have done, hasn't finished yet-not yet complete. essay writing-feedback email etc. :'( I rest for an hour. I almost cried!

guilt had taken its toll. and laziness. and procrastination. = stressed

but i think it has to do with my terrible homesickness as well. last night i dreamed that i was back at home, driving car with my bro and sis. we were having a good time.

and i missed my parents so much.

but above all, my heart was troubled. because i wanted so much to pass all my exams, and i wanted so much to graduate. but i was afraid of failing. and was afraid if i had to repeat any subject. and i was terribly afraid! this expectation was so great i feel like i'm depressed.

Lord, I cast all my anxiety to you. Search my heart oh Lord, deliver me from this situation. Remind me that this is just temporary. That You are my greatest joy that none can take away from me. And most importantly, I am in a good hand. That You are always watching over me. And this trial, was never more than what I am able to face/handle. For I can do all things in You who strengthen me. Lord, I've nowhere to go other than You. I run to You. For You are my refuge and my Savior. Thank You Lord. I praise You forevermore. Amen.

pokoruol ginawo..

beberapa hari yg lepas, sy post di twitter sy.. 'oruol tomod2 ginawoku kokito lo isu2 hilo Malaysia. what can I do? Tuhan nopo lah koilo poingkuro lo pomogunan'

Ya..sedih juga la tebaca tu semua2 berita di facebook. Tapi perlu juga sy ingt2 yg tidak semua yg sy tebaca/nampak di fb tu boleh dipercayai 100% sebap media massa kan..lepas tu org yg post-according to their own interest or personal opinion. So, in getting right information with right understanding about a situation, I had to take consideration a lot of things. Such as, go read different resources. Tapi disebabkan sy ni tidak rajin bah mau buat data mining ditengah2 kesibukan kota 'aceceh' sy terpaksa tunda sy punya niat mau p buat research pasal isu2 yang terjadi di sana. Oleh itu, sampai hari ni, sy tidak buat apa2 kesimpulan or comments about things that's been happening in my beloved country.

Kuroyon podih la.. minggu ni, in TIBS, kami belajar pasal 'sin'. Tadi masa homegroup meeting, I was clear about few things in regards to sin.
1. Sin is not just breaking the law.
2. Sin is also personal and relational.
-personal: our relationship with God which affects every aspect of our life, in relation to others, God's creation and also to ourselves.

The scripture keep pointing that we all are sinners, no one righteous, not even one, all fall short of the glory of God. Because of sin, we are under the wrath of God, that the wages of sin is death! We are extremely in total depravity because of sin, that we are helplessly in dire need of a Savior. I praise God because of His great love to us, that He sent His only son Jesus Christ to save us, that whoever believe in Him will not perish but will have eternal life with Him.

So, is by doing good enough? In Psalm 54 says, even our righteous act is like a filthy rags. Kadang2 sy pernah juga tu terfikir, I'm good or at least doing less sin sebap sy buat baik, but this verse remind me yg even my good deeds is not perfect. I am a fallen human, therefore whatever I did, although looks good, it was actually tainted with sin!
But I thank God again and again, that through Him I see things in different dimension. That although knowing that I am sinners and whatever I did will never be enough to please Him, this even make me feel so grateful and thankful and I praise Him forevermore for it is all because of His grace. Not because what I do, but because what God has done for me. In Him, I am able to come before Him as I am, that the only reason that I could came before God, is because what Jesus had done for me :)

But nevertheless, the scripture also told me that everyone will be judged according to what they have done. Therefore, we still need to be stewards of everything that God had given us. We respond to Him by doing good for His glory-not to seek praises from others.

I praise God, for who He is. And knowing that He is sovereign above everything, now I am confident that whatever happens in Malaysia, I know that God is in control. That I should not be surprised of many unjust or unreasonable things that is happening around me. Because clearly, this fallen world is tainted by sin. Rejoice and keep loving and trusting God! :)

in dire need of housekeeping..

this blog really need some housekeeping and reconstruction.. i've been reading some of my old my post, which are my thoughts and my p.o.v and to be honest i am not proud of what i've wrote, and not even glad that i wrote it and post it knowing that somehow there is a high probability that people will read the things i've written in this blog.
nevertheless, i should warn any readers or anyone who stumble upon my blog, that whatever i wrote here, was never meant to harm others in any way. i just wrote down things that came across my mind as i wrote the post. in acknowledging that, i admit my humanly thoughts, often not perfect, often mirroring my attitude, my thoughts, and my character. and admitting this, what my hope is just that you will get to know me a little bit more than just my words on a page. =)
anyway, just for an updates, i'm done with the low mood@feeling2 things now. haha! its funny to read my old post, but i'm just trying to be honest with my feeling. i could say that writing down my thoughts is very therapeutic way to 'defragmant' my thoughts & my emotion. Glad that i'm over with it, now i just want to focus on my three critical weeks as my final exam is close approaching!

I thank God for the weekend that I had. I went to work yesterday and my boss had been really kind to offer me drinks and cheese cake. =) Glad that most of my to-do-list has been ticked off, i am confident in Him who strengthen me, that I could finish off the rest of the task tonight after church. Tomorrow is a new day, and I surrender everything in God's hand. :)

regret.

its been 4 days we didn't contact each other. And in that four days, i began to reason back my feelings, and my actions. and towards the fourth day, i realised that, the feeling was not real. it was just an emotion, short-term, when you were being excited of doing something. have you been into such situation?

i admit that the past few entry that i wrote was totally non-sense. and i was just excited with what was happening around me. but i forgot to think wayy forward, that now i actually regret what i've said, and what i've done. But, i know i should not regret a day in mylife, i guess i just have to learn again and again in the hard way, always not knowing if the decisions that i've made everyday in mylife was the right one.

the truth is, i am not ready yet. and i am actually afraid of being hurt. and that means, i am afraid to fall in love again. the impact of my so-called 'a moment of rupture' in my life few years ago, was really eating me inside and out. i became afraid of love, and commitment in relationship. somehow it affects the way i relate to others around me. i think i need to stop from being afraid, and to continue to walk the life of love.

with this, I called upon my LORD, my strength and my refuge. I know that the beginning of wisdom is by fearing the LORD, and thus I submitted under His wings. and I know God is LOVE, and there is nothing to be afraid of in LOVE. with this I prayed that the LOVE that God had given to us, will continue to be manifested in the way I relate with other people around me.

My final decision.

I know I've been abusing my blog for a very personal confession and ranting about my thoughts and feeling. But I just feel like saying my thoughts and feelings out loud here. This resounding silence is really suffocating.

I'm feeling down, tired, confused and somehow lost in my own complicated feelings. I should trust my better judgment. Sometimes feeling is just unreliable. Because it was inconsistent.

I finally decide not to go on with this kind of feeling. Maybe I was just over the moon when someone showed that he cared for me. Saya jak yang perasan tu mungkin. Haha! I was acting like a kid!!

I promised myself to give my heart to a person who deserve me. But most importantly, to the person who God wants me to be with. Someone who love and seek God in his life, living under God's rule and follow Jesus example as the head of the family who strive to seek God.

Maybe I was just caught up with my unstable emotion. Ya, semua hanyalah emosi semata-mata. I sounds pathetic. Haiyaa, I pity myself. LoL.

If someone read this, you definitely think i'm pathetic right now. Random ranting about my feeling. Aduii. But its okay. I'm human. And with my fallen humanity, I am not perfect. Although I am conscious about it, I can't help myself from saying it out loud here.

Okaylah..done with feeling-feeling nih. I should focus on my task. 3000words international economic history III. yeayy~ gambateh. due esok! in tute!

feeling much better

I guess, my feeling surpassed my better judgement. I finally confessed that I missed him. It feels good. But deep down in my heart, I am wondering if I made a mistake telling him that.

I should have self controlled. Not letting my guard down. But it was just too much to bear in silent.

Had a good chat. The situation is mutual. But we agreed to face the day ahead with enthusiasm. Actually, after I told him that I missed him, I had a second thought. What if saying such thing is not the right time, and not the right person?

Well, I know I have to face the music soon. Small voice in my head said he is not the one. And I should not start the love before the right time. And I have a feeling that this is not the right time.

But I did it anyway. :(

Indeed, women are complicated. Well at least me.

Lord, search my heart. And lead me to Your way. Not mine.

2nd day of feeling low

still feeling low~

:( hmphh... why did this feelings become so complicated. I wish I wasn't this sensitive. I wish I wasn't this weak. I thought I was stronger than before. But I was wayyy too wrong!

I'm trying to focus myself, but confessing here didn't help much. Atagak oku id kalangadan. Aishh

I think I was only being over-dramatic over the whole thing.

Lord, You know me better than I am. and I will wait for Your rescue.

complicated feeling.

Some men says, women are complicated. Although it hold some truth, it is not necessarily the case all the time. I had a confession to make. Today i feel a bit low. I am officially missing someone that I haven't actually met for ages!

I am now panicking, confused with my own feeling. How did it go this far? I don't like this feeling-feeling low because i'm missing someone. :(

Need to pull my self altogether back to position. It is a very critical time for me especially at this time of the year. 2 months left. And I'm going home. Please heart. Be patient. Enjoy your time here.

I'm praying hard this time. I don't want to do the same mistakes. Not this time. Why love is such a complicated feeling? Oh maybe this is not love. This is just me being over-reacted. Maybe it was just me. I shouldn't be playing with fire. Now I was caught up with it.

I am sure he didn't feel the same way I feel. Maybe it was just me? See I'm making a my own conclusion. Confused!

I want to run awayyyyy..but to whereee?? :(

Lord, this time I praised You. Lord, this time I am running towards You. Amen.