End of year: Truthful me.

Writing this entry had been the most challenging entry I've ever done. Writing about the truthful me, I am facing with my own insecurity and my insidious secret.

Honestly, 2013 had been a very challenging year for me. While taking shower this morning, I've been drafting my entry in my head what to write to conclude 2013. When I open my FB today, first thing I saw in my timeline is how people describe their 2013, and many of them said that they are so thankful and grateful for all the experience and the people they've met this year. I've decided to do a bit more in-depth analysis for how 2013 had been treating me. Here it goes..

1. Resolution for 2013

I did not get HD for all of my subject, my summer school earlier this year was really hectic because I was trying to juggle my time between studying two subject in 6 weeks and moving house, uni experience had been very challenging, TIBS was self-correcting and rebuking, walking with God was not easy, I don't have enough saving, I still doubt myself whenever I met new people, I am not sure what soft-skills I acquire this year, and I am not sure if I've speak louder enough. Nevertheless, I am glad that all my ten resolution for 2013 was not an impossible mission. I am grateful enough to conclude 2013 with all my resolution list being ticked-off. I did not get the highest and the most, but I did my best. And I think, that is all that matters. 

2. To love

I wrote this second entry early this year saying that I would like to allow myself to love me more, love others more and to love God more. I'd never thought that this will be a bitter sweet journey, full of surprises. Not only I realised that I could love myself, others and God more, but I must. Not just because I should because God says so, but it is a lifetime commitment. This realisation brings me to another level of my life that had changed my perspective this year. That is, I should be honest and truthful to myself.

Truthful me.

I did not have a measurement for how much I grow this year as a person. But I was aware that I am changing. Being 22, I realised that I am getting older. I was scared. Scared of being adult. Because I realised that as I grow older, I am aware of my responsibility over my own life. I was aware that experience can influence how I think, how I act and how I speak. This experience was shaped by the place, the people and everything around me. I realised that I was in dire need of God, I also realised how important it is to be deeply rooted in His word, and how important it is to live my life under God's rule when I declare Him as my King. Nevertheless, I was reminded about two things:

1. That I could cast all my fears to God. I took comfort in God's promises and sovereignty. PSALM 139

2. God is 100% in control of everything happen in my life, and I am 100% responsible for my action as well.

Student life had been very exciting journey. I thank God for the opportunity to study abroad. Indeed God has His own plan for His children. I can't thank Him enough. This year had been a roller-coaster journey for me, yet beautiful and life-changing.

Its almost two years now. Sometime I wonder if I am truly over with my feelings. I try my best to convince myself that I am alright and I've moved on. But sometime the past did catch up with my present. And when it did, I can't help myself from crying. If I didn't have any feelings for the person anymore, then why did it hurt that bad and that much? Missing that person can be so suffocating and heart wrenching. Sometime I wondered if I will be okay seeing him with other women. And I am sure that day will come. And I can't run away from it. If that's the case, then, I will cling to God tightly. I am praying the best for him. Surely, God know what's inside my heart.

Leading TIBS this year had been the most wonderful experience I've had in Adelaide. I am thankful to God for by His grace and love, He moved my heart and enable me to serve Him and to serve others so that I may not take any credit for that, but all glory to God. I am thankful for the teaching, rebuking, correcting and training for righteousness through the scripture to be thoroughly equipped for all the good works. And I am thankful for my brothers and sisters who had showed me the meaning of building up one another. With that I am especially thankful to God for Bernie, and Ally.

I remember one time I was conducting seminar discussion. I thought that I will never be able to do it. I have no experience, and I kept thinking that my English was so poor, I'd thought that the 20 people in the seminar room will get confused or will not understand what I am saying. I was so nervous, I think I could faint. Or even run for my life out from that room. But I am so thankful to God, for giving me strength and courage that day. The 2hours discussion was done, and my group got HD for that. I realised that day, that it was not so much about how good your English are, but how you deliver the content.  

I guess, end of year allow me to reflect things that happen in my life the whole year. But also enable me to think for my resolution for 2014. Future seems uncertain for me. But I am certain that God is in control. I will face another transition in my life next year. Soon, I am not a uni student anymore but I will keep learning for it is an ongoing process.

To conclude, 2013 allow me to appreciate every little things in life. When life gets tough, those little things can cheer me up.